Perfection and Wishes

As I posted on my other blog, I am a very lucky girl.  I know that.  I am so lucky for what I have in my life.  I have lost, but I have loved too.  Despite my loss, I still am lucky to have so much more than what some people even dream of.  And for that, I am so very thankful.

But knowing that I am so lucky does not stop me from wishing for more.  Selfish?  Maybe.  Normal?  I like to think so...

There's the obvious- what I cannot have.  I wish I had Connor- that's an easy one.  Forever my first son... the first grandchild.  

I also wish I had an easy pregnancy, that I didn't go into labor early, that I didn't know the inside of the BIDMC NICU like the back of my hand.  I've said before... I wouldn't go back and change things because I know that the steps I took are what brought me to this place in my life.  But, I do wish things were different.  At least some things.

Other than wishing for what I cannot have, there are other things I wish for.  Maybe I can't have these either, maybe they're not to be, maybe they're not in the stars... but for now I still count them as possibilities.

I wish to get pregnant on my own.  No drugs, no doctors, no intervention.  I want to make a baby in the privacy of my own house with my husband and that is it.  I want to take a pregnancy test because I have a feeling and not because it's been "x" days since the transfer.

I wish to have a full-term pregnancy.  I don't want to find out at some early point that things are dangerously close to ending.  I don't want to wake up one morning only to find out that I'm in labor.  WAY. TOO. EARLY.  I want to wake up to labor one morning when it is right.  When the room is ready, when my bag is packed... when the baby is ready.  I'll even take making it to a scheduled C-Section.  I just don't want it to be early.

I wish to have the delivery of my baby be a joyous occasion, not one filled with terror and uncertainty.  This one goes hand-in-hand with the previous wish.  I want people to know they can celebrate with us.  I don't want them thinking they have to stay away.  I don't want them afraid.  I don't want to be afraid. 

I want to be able to hold my baby when he's born.  I want the doctor to announce "it's a boy!" (or girl) and hand the baby to me.  Or at the very least, have the baby cleaned and then handed to me.  I don't want to wait hours before I can even view my baby through a plastic cage and even longer before I can actually touch him.

I want my baby to go home with me the day I go home.  I want to be sore from delivery being wheeled out of the hospital by a beaming hubby with a sleepy little baby in my arms.  I don't want to leave the hospital empty handed again.

I want my first nights at home to be sleepless because the baby gets up every hour to eat.  I want to be deleriously happy and sleepy all at the same time.  I don't want my first nights home to be sleepless because I'm worried about a baby miles away being cared for by nurses and doctors; a baby struggling to live.

I want my baby to know only happiness and a life free from pain from the moment he is born.  I want the pricks of needles to be infrequent and out-of-the-ordinary, not the normal course of the day.  I want his cries to be of simple hunger or wetness and not of knowing the pain of having more wires and needles and tubes than anyone should ever know in their lifetime.

Basically, I want my next pregnancy to be nothing short of perfect.  

Though I know my next baby couldn't be anything more perfect than my 2 little men.