I've noticed a change in my thinking over the past few weeks. When we first lost Connor and in the NICU and even when we came home I would constantly think about what "should have been".
We should have been watching over 2 babies.
We should have been changing 2 diapers.
We should have been feeding 2 bottles.
We should have had 2 homecomings.
We should have had 2 cribs.
We should have had 2 car seats.
I should be rocking 2 babies to sleep.
I should be playing with 2 babies.
Connor and Colby should have been growing up together.
... and on and on.
Lately my thinking has been changing a little. I definitely still have those moments where I dwell on the "should have". (Today I should have been bringing 2 babies to the doctors...) However, more than that, I've been wondering more about what Connor would have been like. Up until now I think I've always thought of Connor as being just like Colby and it wasn't until recently that I've started to wonder how he would have been different...
Would he sleep well through the night or would he keep us up all night?
Would he smile a lot or be more serious?
Would he like Tummy Time or rather be on his back?
Would he love the Exersaucer or be overwhelmed?
Would he wake up bright eyed and smiling or crying?
Would he love the bath or hate it?
Would he love to cuddle when he's tired or would he rather be put down?
It hurts a lot to not know the answers, but I am so happy that I get to know all these answers with Colby.
And randomly... I've started to notice a lot more that Colby tends to maneuver things with his left hand more than his right. I don't know if it's left hand-dominance or if it's really possible to tell that sort of thing at 6 months, but it makes me smile and I find it pretty neat. (... And I feel like this is something I probably learned in one of my million child development classes...)
That should have, I still get that from time to time. Less now. I've put the other crib away, I gave our other car seat to a friend. But I wonder all the time. I was so interested to read the letter that your lovely cousins wrote to Colby. I think Jessica is right handed, I'm also not sure if you can tell even at 18 months, but she seems to favour her right hand!
ReplyDeleteAnd I wonder, I wonder if her sister would have been left handed. Like me.
As you say, it hurts. It hurts so much that I'll never, ever know. What she would have been like.
But I'm so, so glad that I get to find out about Jessica. I'm so glad that you get to find out all your about your precious Colby.
I have those thoughts, although mine are more like I should have 2 2 year olds, a one year olds, and 2 5mo olds... I mark time by the developemnts that they all would be having now. It's so hard...
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending hugs.