7 months

It's been 7 months since we lost Connor.  It's amazing how fast time is still passing-- through I know that Colby is part of the reason that it seems to be moving so quickly.

It still hurts to think about Connor, but it hurts in such a different way than it did 7 months ago.  7 months ago it was just a raw, agonizing pain of having my baby die.  The pain of not understanding, the pain of saying goodbye before I really got to say hello.  Now that pain has slowly become less severe.  It hasn't gone away, but that hole in my heart has started to heal.  It's not so dark-- it doesn't hurt to talk about him so much and I can look back to those first few hours and smile.  However, now the pain a horrible ache, a weight on my chest, when I think of how much I miss him and of how horribly things went.  The ache of losing the innocence-- of moving from a thrilled mommy of two beautiful, tiny blessings, to being a forever grieving Mommy wishing for nothing more than to have both her babies with her.

When we lost Connor I felt like pain of losing him was something that most people understood.  They might have really "got it" because they didn't lose a baby, but they "got it" in that they knew that it really sucked to lose him.  They knew that he shouldn't have died and that life would never be the same.

But now I feel so removed from everyone in my pain.  I feel like others-- friends and even family-- have "gotten over it" so to speak.  Yes, it still hurts to think that Connor died, but they don't understand how it still affects me because it doesn't affect them in the same way.  I feel like a piece of me is still missing, that a part of me is broken and can never really be put back.  They don't understand how I still sleep with Connor's turtle every 21st (and more often some months).  They don't understand that it's not a pain that goes away, instead it's a pain that changes, lessens in some ways, but intensifies in other ways.