More on Connor and Colby!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Missing Names

I think I've mentioned this before.  The NICU at BIDMC is a converted adult-ward.  It was converted into a NICU a little over 16 years ago in late 1993.  Because of this, it's not set up like a "typical" NICU.  Instead of large rooms with clusters of incubators there are 25, maybe 30, rooms each housing 2 babies.  

When you walk in the main entrance, you sign in and then along the left wall you see all the rooms going around the outside in a u-shape.  Each room has a sliding glass door covered by blue curtains.  Inside each room there are two computers for nurses to input their information, there are two incubators (or cribs depending on the baby), there are two monitors, and there is a curtain to divide the two babies to give families privacy.

 On the right there is a long u-shaped desk running parallel to the rooms.  In the very middle of the "U" bank of rooms the Level 3 babies are housed.  They are the most centralized to the nursing stations making it easy for nurses and doctors and therapists to pop in at the slightest sound of an alarm.  As you move to the ends of the "U" (back to the main entrance or to the very end of the NICU) you approach the Level 2 babies.  Alarms are fewer and it's generally quieter.  As babies became "feeder and growers" their rooms are moved toward the outside of the "U"-- they are getting closer and closer to go home.  Generally you needed to move to the outside of the "U" before you were discharged.  (Aside from a few full-term babies who were just admitted for observation-- they'd often stay in the centralized Level 3 rooms for observation and then be sent to the regular nursery without making the transition outwards.)

Oh the outside of each NICU room are two name tag holders.  When babies are admitted, the nurses write the baby's last name and slide it into the holder.  The baby in bed "1" is the top slot and bed "2" is the bottom slot.  Numbers next to the baby's last name indicates twins, triplets, etc.  So, when the boys were born this is what we saw in the NICU:



Connor was Jamerson 1, next to the door.  And Colby was Jamerson 2, next to the window.

Being smack-dab in the middle we got to walk through the NICU often.  In those first few days I was oblivious to the other names in the other rooms.  However, after we lost Connor and Jamerson 1 was removed from our room, I became much more observant as I walked through the NICU.  I would notice the twins and triplets.  (And ache every time I saw their cards.)  I would notice as families moved to the "outside" closer to going home.  Occasionally I would also notice that a name was no longer present.  This was more obvious with twins such as Connor... you'd see the "2" but not the "1" or vice versa.  I'd usually hope that I had just missed it and that the baby had gone home or perhaps had been transferred to another NICU or... something other than the worst possibility.

One such name was that of a little girl who was admitted around the time of the boys.  Her room was next to the boys.  She was the second baby in her room, her name was Maggie Lowe.  She was there and then her name wasn't there.  At the time I didn't think much of it-- like I said, babies were always moving rooms and some were transferred to hospitals closer to home as their needs decreased.

It wasn't until near the end of our NICU stay that I noticed a new rocking chair in the parent hallway of the NICU.  On the back of the chair was a plaque engraved with 

In Memory of Maggie Lowe 
July 2009

Reading it, and even thinking it now, my heart sunk.  Another baby that hadn't made it out of the hospital with her Mom and Dad.  Another set of heartbroken parents.  Connor passed away on July 21st and Maggie was still there.  In those 10 days before the end of the month Maggie, too, lost her life.  

I guess a part of me kind of wished that Connor was the oddity in the BIDMC NICU.  I hoped that the pain we faced that month was enough for awhile.  But I guess it wasn't-- more than one baby lost their life that month.  More than one set of parents saw their dreams end.  And I have no way of being sure that they were the only 2.  And that just sucks.

I guess I really have no idea where I'm going with this.  This is just something I've been thinking about for awhile... my heart aches for Connor but also for all of the families that have lost their babies.  

It just sucks.

2 comments:

  1. I can sympathize. I was at a restaurant the other night with the babies. I saw a woman who looked pregnant. She looked at me, the carseat I was holding, over my shoulder at Peter and his carseat, and then down. I didnt think much of it until I saw her drinking wine and stealing looks at Maya with tears in her eyes. And then it hit me. She was probably recently pregnant and lost her baby. I know those eyes; I see them in the mirror too often. I was heartbroken. She was at a safe place, since this isnt typically a child friendly joint, and we must have wiped away what she was trying to hold together. Broke my heart.

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  2. I used to scan the board every morning too, just to check that none of the names had disappeared. I also found that I was much more aware of twins and triplets. It made me ache too.
    Jessica was also twin 2, like Colby. She kept her twin II label all the time she was there. Sadly, she eventually ended up opposite another single twin. His mom and I used to say to one another that they could be 'twins' together.
    Sometimes I used to hear that terribly crying and I would know what had happened, because I'd cried that way myself. I felt so hopeless, so useless when that happened.
    I often wonder what happened to all the little ones I used to see every day. I hope that most of them made it home and all I can do is remember those babies who didn't.
    I don't think I will ever get over the months I spent in that intensive care unit. Sometimes when I wake up in the night, it all comes flooding back to me. xo

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