July 21st to January 21st
6 months baby boy...
6 months since I saw those eyes light up.
6 months since I saw your smile.
6 months since I felt you squeeze my finger.
6 months since I lost you.
But I love you forever.
The past few days have been difficult leading up to this day. Every happy milestone is accompanied by a sad one. We were thrilled for Colby's 6 months, but missing Connor for 6 months follows two days later. Everything will be like this. Every milestone, every happy moment is followed by a bittersweet moment. That's how life is now.
The boys were born on a Sunday, Connor passed away on Tuesday, and I was discharged from the hospital on a Thursday. Returning to our apartment that day, I was in a daze. When I left for the hospital on June 26th I had no plans to return to the apartment empty handed, or to the apartment at all.
I thought that I'd be in the hospital with the boys until after we had closed on the house and had been moved. But, instead, on July 23rd I returned home. As I walked into my bedroom to collapse on the bed I was greeted by:
I completely broke down. When my parents went to Florida in March we had only just learned that we were having twins a few days before. My mom asked if I would be okay with her getting something for the babies while she was there and I agreed. She came home with Red Sox Spring Training shirts from Ft. Myers for the boys and the turtle stack for me. I love turtles so she thought it was perfect. There are 5 turtles on it, so she told me that it was my "Turtle Bus". The bottom turtle was the driver. The other four were Johnny, Me, Baby A, and Baby B. Our turtle family.
So returning home from the hospital with one baby gone and one baby fighting for his life, seeing the turtle stack crushed me. I grabbed the turtles, crawled into bed, and sobbed uncontrollably. It was a reminder to me of what was supposed to be and what was not meant to be. My heart was broken. The only time our family of 4 would be together was in that turtle stack.
Now, six months later I still look at my turtle stack and get choked up. It kills me to think of how wrong things went. But it does remind me of happier times. Back when we were so naive and sure of where life was taking us. Sure that both our babies would be home with us.
How could 6 months go so quickly? How could my baby be gone for so long?
We are coming upon the 2 year mark for Nick and Sophie, and just passed Alex's 1 year mark in Nov. It is so hard... Time goes by even though we dont.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs and warm thoughts.
I agree life is so bittersweet when you lose a twin. If you are happy about a milestone you feel guilty you are not doing right by the one that is gone. If you are sad or grieving you feel like you are not doing right by the live twin. Either way its a miserable existence at times. Now that I have gotten the first year behind me, I struggled the most on their birthday. And I felt so bad for Lillian who did not have a happy mom for most of that day.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet little man. It's strange how fast time goes by...yet at the same time painfully slow. I am always amazed how our children who have passed away truly touched our hearts...even if only here for a short time. So many of the people I have met on here...each of their babies have touched me as well. It's hard when time gets away from us and we feel further and further way from our little ones that have passed away...but I will never forget her. Just like you will never forgot Conner. Our precious little babies.
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful little boy.
ReplyDeleteYour description of returning to your apartment just broke my heart. I wish that your family of four were still together, just like the turtle stack that your mom bought for you.
I was also so happy, so naive, so certain. I still wake up some morning, nearly 18 months later, and shake my head in disbelief.
Much love xo