More on Connor and Colby!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

6 Months

July 21st to January 21st

6 months baby boy...
6 months since I saw those eyes light up.
6 months since I saw your smile.
6 months since I felt you squeeze my finger.

6 months since I lost you.
But I love you forever.

The past few days have been difficult leading up to this day. Every happy milestone is accompanied by a sad one. We were thrilled for Colby's 6 months, but missing Connor for 6 months follows two days later. Everything will be like this. Every milestone, every happy moment is followed by a bittersweet moment. That's how life is now.

The boys were born on a Sunday, Connor passed away on Tuesday, and I was discharged from the hospital on a Thursday. Returning to our apartment that day, I was in a daze. When I left for the hospital on June 26th I had no plans to return to the apartment empty handed, or to the apartment at all.

I thought that I'd be in the hospital with the boys until after we had closed on the house and had been moved. But, instead, on July 23rd I returned home. As I walked into my bedroom to collapse on the bed I was greeted by:

I completely broke down. When my parents went to Florida in March we had only just learned that we were having twins a few days before. My mom asked if I would be okay with her getting something for the babies while she was there and I agreed. She came home with Red Sox Spring Training shirts from Ft. Myers for the boys and the turtle stack for me. I love turtles so she thought it was perfect. There are 5 turtles on it, so she told me that it was my "Turtle Bus". The bottom turtle was the driver. The other four were Johnny, Me, Baby A, and Baby B. Our turtle family.

So returning home from the hospital with one baby gone and one baby fighting for his life, seeing the turtle stack crushed me. I grabbed the turtles, crawled into bed, and sobbed uncontrollably. It was a reminder to me of what was supposed to be and what was not meant to be. My heart was broken. The only time our family of 4 would be together was in that turtle stack.

Now, six months later I still look at my turtle stack and get choked up. It kills me to think of how wrong things went. But it does remind me of happier times. Back when we were so naive and sure of where life was taking us. Sure that both our babies would be home with us.

How could 6 months go so quickly? How could my baby be gone for so long?

Thursday, January 14, 2010

At a loss

It's been so long and I've tried to write many, many times.  (3 times today alone)  But I just don't know what to write.  Everything I'm thinking is just so hard to articulate.  I've started posts about words from parents at school, posts on having flashbacks to the numbness after we lost Connor, posts about grief and Christmas and the new year and jealously.  But I can't get anywhere with them.  I'm hoping I can get somewhere soon...