It's not that I'm not happy for people getting pregnant, but I am still just so jealous. This jealousy doesn't apply to people I know going through IF or people who have dealt with babyloss. It only seems to apply to people that I assume had an "easy" time getting pregnant. I know this isn't a fair assumption because how do I know what they have gone through to get pregnant? And who am I to decide that they've had it "too easy"? And besides- I would never wish problems or loss on anyone. But still... jealous.
Like... randomly reading Facebook and I notice that someone I did Girl Scouts with almost 20 years ago is expecting a baby in the end of March. I haven't talked to her in years and still? I'm jealous and can't bear to look at the ultrasound pictures. What is wrong with me?? Seriously... I need to get over myself. Obviously people my age are going to be having babies and I can't live my life jealous of every single one... especially when I have my own miracles! I know a large part of it is still that I'm trying to deal with being sad that I didn't have a full term pregnancy or control in keeping the babies safe or saving Connor, but if I can't deal with it I'm going to have a hard time over the next few years! My pain shouldn't influence how I am able to share in other peoples joy.
It's something I'm working on.
And like I said, for some reason this jealously doesn't include people who have gone through IF or babyloss... I'm assuming because I know how it is to so badly want your miracle... but I'm am SO HAPPY that Kate is getting her miracle after losing her precious little girl last year. :) Send her some love!!
Awww...thanks for the love there, Stace!
ReplyDeleteI think it's completely normal to have those feelings. First of all, you know the weight that IF brings to the table. Its a truly painful process. Then to deal with the loss of your sweet Connor. It's fair to say that those of us who deal with IF and the tragedy of lossing a child deal with feelings like jealousy. It's been over a year since Zoe died, and trust me...I have experienced a ton of jealousy. I believe that grief is a life long process.
I am sending lots of hugs to you!!!
I'm working on it too Stace.
ReplyDeleteI STILL get jealous and sad even though I know it's silly of me. I haven't been through IF but after a premature labour and losing one of my twins I do feel envious of anyone whose pregnancy appears to come easily and go to plan. As you say, I'm going to have a hard time over the next few years, if not decades, if I don't get over it!
And, if this is how it had to be for me to meet my girls, I wouldn't change a thing. I feel so lucky to be their mother. x
I still get jealous. I was at a moms group yesterday and there were 2 pg women who were discussing their ease and fear of a 36 weeker being a preemie... It really got to me. I'm ashamed to admit it but its true.
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