Anyways... it's getting down to the wire for March of Dimes... we have two months so every one on our team has begun posting on Facebook to solicit donations. This is what my mother-in-law posted. I don't like it... tell me if I'm ridiculous...
Last summer my twin grandsons, Connor and Colby, were born at 27 weeks gestation. Connor died two days after his birth from complications of the premature birth. Colby was hospitalized in the NICU for over three months. Because of those events, I’m walking in the March of Dimes/March for Babies on May 8, 2010 to raise donations and I’m asking for your support.
First, I hate the word "died". Actually I hate any word relating to the death of my child, but died has to be the worst. I'd prefer "lost" or "passed away". Anything but died.
Secondly, does it have to say from complications of the premature birth? Obviously a baby born at 27 weeks who passes away 2 days later will have suffered complications. Reading it feels like a slap in the face. Like, he didn't just pass away, but it was because his mom couldn't stay pregnant long enough to keep him safe. I know that's not really the subtext there, but it's what I hear when I read it.
So I nicely asked her to change it a few days ago... no response yet. Fingers crossed. And, am I crazy?
Because you asked... I'll be honest, with the caveat that we all have our preferences and nothing is wrong with them.
ReplyDeleteI prefer "died" over "lost". I didnt lose my children like I lost my watch or misplaced my cell phone. I cant suddenly find them again. They died. They are gone from this world and living in the next. I dont like it, but it is the way it is. I am okay with "passed away" because, like died, it feels true to me. They passed from this life into the next.
"Complications of prematurity". We gave birth to preterm babies. If a preemie has learning disabilities or is behind his agemates, it is a complication due from being born too early. If a preemie dies moments or days after being born too early, it too is a complication. Does it need to be said? Probably not... People can infer it... But perhaps she felt the need to make his prematurity a big factor in her solicitations, because it is what MODs is all about and she wants people to remember that yes, they know premature babies and that, sadly, not every preemie leaves the NICU with a happily-ever-after... Not every family leaves the hospital complete.
I will always feel guilty for our premature births... I will always feel guilty for not protecting our children with a long, full life in the womb. Regardless of whether mention the word "premature" or not... Somehow, I dont think that really makes a difference in my grief and guilt...
Just my 2 cents! Hugs!
You aren't crazy. I think you're just being protective over your boys like any mama would be. I'm sure your MIL's words were kindly meant but, if you have asked her to alter her wording, she should respect your decision. I find 'died' a little jarring myself but I don't know what else to replace it with. I usually end up saying 'lost' instead but, like Michele says, that sounds as though our children were just misplaced.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you felt hurt by her turn of phrase. I think that the guilt mamas who give birth prematurely feel will always make itself felt in that subtext, that we couldn't hold on to them long enough somehow. x