Titles are obviously not my strong suit

Seeing Connor's name in print or hearing his name still sends little spasms through my heart.  In that moment I am forced to remember that everything is not okay.  

Every night I rock Colby to sleep and I'm exhausted from the day, but I always have that moment where I remember that I don't want to be off duty as soon as Colby's asleep.  I want to have another baby to rock.  I want to kiss Connor's cheek as he drifts off with his head on my chest.  

I'm thankful for my breaks during the day.  The brief periods of time where the bottles are washed, clothes are cleaned, and Colby is peacefully napping.  Yet I would give anything to be scrambling for a clean bottle, to be stepping over a pile of dirty clothes, if only because it were Connor that needed something while Colby was napping.  

I can't get over the feeling that not having Connor here is physically easier.  Caring for one 4 month old is easier that 2.  Yet it is so much more emotionally taxing and heart wrenching I find myself wishing every second of every minute of every day that he was here with me.  There's not much I wouldn't give for that.

And we continue to push through, to face the challenges, and to be eternally grateful for the moments we had with Connor and all the moments we have and will have with Colby.