There's the fact that I'm not the most comfortable with J's family all the time. We're very different and sometimes it's okay and sometimes it's just downright awkward. But I digress.
It's bittersweet.
The sweet: We're gearing up for our 1st Colby Christmas. We've been waiting for this for awhile. :) Obviously he won't remember or care about it. In fact, I think he just got the best present he could ask for-- he learned how to chew on his hands and he's 100% content with that. But for J and I it will be fabulous.
But then there's the bitter: with every first, there's the first that Connor's not there for. Our first Christmas without Connor. Christmas is actually 5 months from Connor's funeral and our last goodbye. It's just so odd.
I know I've said it before, but I think that having Colby almost makes losing Connor harder. Harder because we can't just be sad about not having Connor. Harder because we can't wallow or grieve. He's a constant (wonderful) distraction. I guess I just don't want to do Connor a disservice by not being "sadder" on these hard days, but I also don't want to do Colby a disservice by being sad on these hard days.
One thing I have learned over these past five months, though? No matter how hard it is, I can get through it because I have Colby's cutie little face watching me and I know that Connor is watching over all of us from his little spot in the clouds.
It is bittersweet... We are in that same bittersweet boat. Our first with Bobby and Maya... Our second with Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander gone. It is so hard...
ReplyDelete