Split Emotion

I've been saying for awhile that, in some ways, losing Connor but having Colby has actually been more difficult.  In the beginning we would say that we were making it through "because of Colby".  We had him to keep us going.  But then I realized that (don't get me wrong we would not change having Colby for ANYTHING in this world.  EVER.) having Colby was actually making it harder to grieve.

I think I kind of realized why tonight.  We were at a family Christmas Eve party and there were some family members who had never seen Colby, never mind Connor.  They oohed and they ahhed and said how cute he was, how good he was, how he was the "Christmas miracle" for the family.  

And every time they said something I thought "What about Connor?"  He would have been just as cute.  He would have been just as good.  He would have been a miracle too.  But, instead, I find myself thrilled beyond belief that I'm the mother of this amazing little Colby and only wondering (wishing) what Connor would have been like as well.  The holidays cannot be about JUST Colby because then I am betraying Connor and the holidays cannot be JUST about Connor because Colby in there.  I cannot JUST be happy, an ecstatic mother showing off her precious baby because... there should be more.  And I cannot JUST be a sad mother, hiding from Christmas because my baby should be there and can't be.  

So I guess that's what I realized-- no matter what, losing Connor while having Colby means that I will always wonder "What about Connor?" while being thankful and amazed by every little think Colby does. 

I don't meant this to take away from Colby and I certainly do not mean it to mean that Colby is not enough.  I just mean that I HAVE two boys.  As a mother, I will always look to have Connor validated.  Today that meant that I had to walk the tightrope of enjoying the day for Colby and looking to the future while thinking about Connor and missing him and the possibilities of what could have been.  I cannot put my energy into one area-- grief or happiness.  Instead, I have to multitask the two emotions and hope that one day I can learn to deal with both at once.