Control

I've come to realize just how much I need to be in control.  I take everything having to do with Colby very personally.  I feel like I need to have a say in everything- from how much he eats to who takes him out of his car seat to who gets to see his things.  It makes me antsy to feel like I'm not in control of the situation... whatever it is.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I feel like I might kind of understand why- though I am no closer to overcoming it.  

When we first tried to get pregnant we couldn't.  We consulted doctors, took meds, did procedures... but I really had no control.  It was out of my hands.  The timing, procedures- everything- were put in the hands of the doctors.

Then we finally got pregnant and I was eventually put on bed rest.  Immediately everything became about the babies and keeping them safe.  I told doctors many times that it didn't matter what happened to me- we wanted to do whatever was safest for the boys.  Would I have preferred natural birth?  Sure, but I didn't even mention it because it wouldn't be safest.  My life was immediately about being taken care of by an onslaught of nurses, doctors, and specialists.  I lost control of my pregnancy.

Then I went into labor and had the babies so early.  The boys were in the NICU.  They were sick and I couldn't take care of them.  They were hooked up to machines to stay alive because I couldn't do it.  I had no control of their safety.  I had no control of their lives.  I couldn't help them.

Then Connor passed away on that awful morning.  The nurses bagged him.  The doctors transfused him.  The monitors told what was happening.  And again, I had no control.  No matter how I hoped and prayed, there wasn't anything that could be done to take care of him and to make him better.

Then there was the rest of Colby's NICU stay... 107 more days of doctors and nurses telling us when to pick him up, when to change him, how much to feed him, if we could breast feed, if he should have a blanket on, who to let see him, and on and on and on.

I feel like I have no control and I have had no control.  So, I try to get control in stupid, small ways.  I protect pictures with a vengeance and feel I should be solely responsible for being the one to share them as I please.  I expect people to ask me if they can change my baby.  I expect people to ask before they pick him up.  Advice frustrates me because it feels like others are trying to take control and tell me what to do.

I want the control.  I feel like these are the only stupid little things I can control and it sucks.  It just reminds me of what we didn't have, what control I so desperately wanted and lost.  

And so I am perpetually messed up.  Maybe it's time to see a therapist?