Part of me realizes that I have no right to decide who should have dropped their lives to be there for me. And part of me realizes how intensely difficult going to a funeral of an infant is. But I'm still angry that a lot of people weren't there.
I'm a kindergarten teacher. My pregnancy was not something that I hid from teachers or students or parents. When I had the babies in July, I immediately sent around an email to everyone sharing the good news and asking for prayers. Two days later I sent around the heartbreaking email telling of the loss of Connor and the service information. I sent around the email to all the teachers at my school (probably about 40) as well as the parents of all of my students of the past few years. I didn't do it to force anyone to do anything... I did it because I really thought that they were invested in the babies.
Wouldn't you know that the only people to come to the funeral were my aide and her friend (another para at the school), my ex-principal (who wasn't even on the email list, but heard from another contact), and a special ed para I spoke to in the hall in passing. That's it. 4 people from my school. Zero parents.
I was heartbroken. And I was angry. And, honestly, I'm still angry about that. These same people could give me baby gifts for the twins, ask about my pregnancy, even celebrate when Colby was released from the NICU, but no one could drive 30 minutes to come and pay their respects.
Then there were family members on both sides of our family.
A cousin of Johnny's, J, immediately booked a flight for herself and her girls the second she heard. She came just for us. She waited around her house until we needed her help. She delivered the outfit for Connor to the funeral home. Her husband, a very busy lawyer in DC who is admittedly a little odd, dropped what he was doing on Saturday to be there.
But no one else from outside of MA came. I understand, it's hard to coordinate something like that if you have children or a job. But we lost a child. We weren't having a party. We were grieving the death of our first baby. Maybe I'm selfish or self-centered, but I really expected at least the family members immediately related to us to drop what they were doing and fly in for the weekend or the day. I would understand if children and spouses needed to stay home, but we really thought they'd be there.
And the friends. Again, there were the unexpected visitors who popped in to pay their tribute. Our "Tax Man" came. He couldn't bear to look at the casket to see little Connor's face, but he came in, signed the book, and left. He didn't even come to talk to us, but knowing he took the time to come meant the world. And Johnny's best friend's brother's wife (yes, that distant) came for a minute, too. She didn't look at the casket either, but she gave us a hug, told us how sorry she was, and left.
But there were those friends I thought I could count on who weren't there. The ones who, days before the funeral, said "I'll be there whatever you need, just let me know." One friend told me she couldn't come because she was studying for a test. Others had other excuses. They all hurt. Again, it wasn't a party. We were mourning the loss of our baby.
I think it all hurts because I really think that, had the situation been reversed, Johnny and I would have been like Johnny's cousin J and her husband. We would have dropped everything, even if only for the day.
So, I still find myself angry at certain people. Some have tried to make amends and, while it will never erase the pain completely, it does help. Others refuse to realize that they hurt us. I'm supposed to brush it off that they didn't come to my baby's funeral because they had to study, they had plans to see another friend, or their baby a few states away kept them there.
Like the pain of losing Connor, I doubt the anger will ever truly be erased. I really have learned who my friends are. I've learned who I can count on when it really matters.
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