Birthday

So... Colby's birthday is in just over 2 weeks and I have totally dropped the ball on this one.

We still don't know where we are having it... our house is way too small, so we're stuck. That's the only real obstacle, but it's a major one. We can't even do invites without knowing where it will be.

But that aside, I'm really, really, really, really nervous about the party and the day. To any who have lost 1 of a twin pair... how was the first birthday? Any special ideas of how to honor the baby who passed away while still keeping things upbeat for the baby who is here?

Almost 11 months

I haven't updated mostly because I don't know what to say that I haven't already said.

All I've been able to think lately is "I still can't believe it." But I think we've established that that's not going away any time soon.

The past few months have been a crazy whirlwind of school and work and life. Colby's getting bigger. He's more mobile. He's a ton of fun.

But I still can't believe that they were born so early, so tiny, and that we lost Connor. That this is where I am. That I'm left to try to figure out how to move on.

And until I can wrap my head around that completely I don't feel like I'll ever know what to write...

Pieces

Some days I am so okay. At least on the outside... my heart will never be okay.

But then some days it all comes crashing down around me.

Last night was tough.

Not because it was an anniversary.

Or a question asked by a stranger.

It was just hard because he's gone.

Cuddled with the turtle and caressed his picture again.

Missing my boy.

9 Months

9 months ago we said goodbye.

As I usually do on the 19th of the month, Monday morning I watched the clock tick to 11:56am and welcomed Connor into the world 9 months ago. Two minutes later I kissed Colby and said Happy Birthday. Johnny doesn't get it. It's been 9 months, not a year, so not a birthday. He doesn't get why the months and anniversaries are so important... and I can't really explain why, either.

And again this morning I watched 7:08am roll around and said goodbye to Connor while cuddling Colby close. It was a sucky day as always. In some way it made me feel closer to Connor.

I miss him so much. It hurts so much. I need him here with me.

I'm alive!

I've only partially fallen off of the face of the earth. I'm back to work, and things are super, super busy. I'm so far behind on reading and writing!! I'll get there... maybe over April vacation? But maybe not... I went back to work to find my kids almost 4 months behind!!!

8 Months

The past few months have felt like a series of milestones...

Friday marked 8 months since the boys' birth. 8 months since our world was rocked by the two little tiny bundles. 8 months since one of the best days- and scariest- of my life.

As always happens- and will forever happen- this big month milestone for the boys is quickly followed by the worst milestone of all-- another month that we have been without our precious Connor.

I had planned a post for yesterday. We were walking around a lake in a nearby town enjoying the beautiful weather and I was scripting my words in my head. A post about the 20th, the "in between," the one day of Connor's life... but it was a hard day. It always is. I found myself worn, tired, saddened. The 20th of every month seems to mark my one day with Connor. And, though I've always been one to say that I don't have regrets because each moment, each mistake, each lesson has gotten me where I am, the 20th of July is one day for which I truly hold regrets.

I regret that I didn't spend more time in the NICU with the boys.

I regret that I didn't take pictures of the boys- Connor in particular.

I regret that I didn't take videos of the boys.

I regret that I didn't truly understand the seriousness of the boy' conditions.

I regret that I felt like I had forever and took that one precious, miraculous day for granted.

And those memories and thoughts pile up and wear me down.

My one true day with my baby boy, and I blew it.

And so, I'm here instead on the anniversary of his death. The anniversary of the day that I went from Mommy of 2 boys here on Earth to a Mommy of an angel in heaven and a miracle on Earth.

Lately Colby has been waking up earlier and earlier. 5:30am some days, 6am others. Today was no different. We came downstairs to allow Daddy to sleep... we played quietly with all distractions off. I wasn't completely awake and neither was Colby, so we relaxed in the peacefulness of one another's company. And as we relaxed, I happened to glance at the clock.

It was near 7am.

And I was transferred back to the NICU on the 21st of July, 8 short and long months ago.

We entered the boys' NICU room to find it filled with nurses and doctors fighting to save our baby's life. One nurse was bagging him to help him breathe. He was being transfused. But he was awake. He was watching. He was helpless. As his numbers fluctuated, hope would fill the air momentarily. He was tried back on the ventilator- but he couldn't handle it. He was taken off and another transfusion was forced into him. Again, his numbers slowly rose and the ventilator was tried again. But another fail brought yet another transfusion. Three transfusions later and the doctor looked at us and told us that she had done everything she could.

Our baby was going to die.

I often wonder... wish... daydream... what life would have been like if one of the ventilator tries had worked. What if they had saved our baby? What if Connor had pulled through? What if it was all just a horrible, horrible scare?

But it wasn't. Wires were disconnected and our baby was placed into our arms. He watched us for a moment, gripping my finger, holding on. But it was too much. In our arms, surrounded by our love, our precious baby took his last breath and we said goodbye. At 7:08am the doctor listened to his chest and sadly shook her head. Less than 48 hours after his terrifying entrance into the world, our precious Connor was gone.

8 months later, half-asleep playing on the floor with Colby, it still feels like a terrible nightmare that I can't wake up from. Sometimes I manage to convince myself it didn't happen, that life is still perfect and happy. That my pain is unnecessary.

In the 8 months the pain has remained, changed a little perhaps, but it's still there. I've learned to pretend I'm okay. I've learned to put on a brave face, to function, to confront strangers, to share our story... but really, I'm not okay. I'm not sure you ever really can be after seeing your baby die. After saying goodbye to your child in this life.

I try every day for Colby, but even 8 months later it still hurts so much.

Fraud

I like to comment-jump from blog to blog. I start with a blog I read regularly, comment on the recent post, and then click over to a new blog from another commenter. I do this and bop around to blogs that I've never come across before. Sometimes I find blogs that really intrigue me and other times I just keep on jumping.

Lately I've been jumping around blogs of other baby loss mommas looking for comfort. It breaks my heart that there are so many mommy's missing their babies. I've started commenting on some of the newer blogs- many of which are blogs dedicated to the loss of both twins.

One such blog I found is in memory of Jill's twins Emma and Chase. Emma and Chase were born just under a month after Connor and Colby. Unfortunately Jill lost both her babies shortly after birth. Last night while reading I posted a comment relating the loss of her precious twins to the loss of Connor, but my words echoed in my head last night and again this morning. I eventually deleted the comment.

Because I felt like a fraud.

Here I was, commenting on a blog of a mommy heartbroken over the loss of, not one baby, but two.

I don't know the pain.

I know some of the pain. But, really, I don't know the pain of losing two babies. I don't know the pain of having all my dreams ripped away. Every day I count myself lucky that I had two days with Connor. I got to take Colby home. I didn't leave the hospital empty handed. I have a baby sleeping in his room upstairs. I have a baby to feed in the middle of the night and I have a baby to greet me with a gummy smile in the morning. Yes, I have felt pain, but I am so lucky.

When we were trying to get pregnant I had people who would make the "Oh, don't worry, we had a hard time too- it took us 5 months!" comments and while in the NICU we had the people who would console me with "My baby was born at 36 weeks!" Those comments didn't help. They didn't comfort. They caused me pain.

And it was only with my comment to Emma and Chase's mom that I realized that, even though my pain, I could be causing pain. And I don't want to do that.

I am one of the lucky ones.

Yes, I've seen pain. I've felt pain. I've cried. I've lost. And I miss Connor with more intensity every day. There is a hole in my heart that won't ever go away.

But I am still functioning. I still have a reason to function. I get days with Colby. And having Colby helps me remember that life can go on and in his own way he even helps me to remember his brother. And my heart just breaks for those who haven't been as lucky.

My point isn't to pretend that losing Connor was no big deal, that I have no reason to hurt, that I have moved on. Instead, I am thankful for what I have- I've found some peace. The peace is fleeting at times, but I know that I can function for Colby. I have a reason for moving forward. And I only hope that everyone can feel the same way.